Absence makes the heart grow fonder...or stronger

I'm brought to tears. It's been almost a month since I started med school, more than 100 miles away from Saya. In the beginning, I admit I had taken the separation more easily than I thought I would. I had some of the best sleep I've had in years. I still can't imagine how I will ever be able to SURVIVE med school with all the distractions at home. Plus, my love for my new home and the family I've found in my classmates has made this experience so memorable in many ways. But then again, I'm a mother before anything else....

A few days ago, Saya said to H,"Daddy, "Why can't we be a family? It's like something's missing when Mommy's gone." As she places her hand on her chest, she asked "Why does it hurt here?" I think it broke my heart too. Saya, just barely a kindergartener, was able to elicit the feelings she described so accurately in me. We've been video chatting every night, but I know it's not the same as being able to hold her and kiss her ad nauseum in a day. I can only imagine how hard this is for her, but at the same time I want her to learn that that I'm pursuing bigger and better things (as I want her to do). I want her to learn that some that things in life are worth sacrificing .Hang in there baby girl. No matter where I am, I will always be there for you. Now I will go and snuggle with my baby during the precious night I share with her.

Precious summer days with my baby

It's 3:24 am in the morning and I'm at my new apartment in Madison, with Saya, sans le bf. H is currently in Chicago working while Saya is spending the week with me in Madison until classes starts this coming Monday. As excited as I am about starting medical school, I am a tad devastated that I will have to live apart from my baby.

Our New Chapter

It was a really difficult decision to make in the beginning. I never expected to matriculate at the UW medical school, nor considered it as an option in the first place until I realized that Madison was equidistant from Chicago as Urbana. So, with the advice of a fellow coworker, who happens to be a medical student and a former Madison dweller, I added UW to my list of schools later in the application cycle. To my surprise, I was granted an interview, which I almost did not attend had it not been for my nonacceptance decision at Loyola. When I attended the interview, I admit I was floored by the medical school. They had an amazing reputation in research, tons of global health opportunities, possibilities for academic medicine, top of the line technology, plenty of administrative support, and get this, basically one of the cheapest tuition, out-of-state residency included, without all the drawbacks of a public institution *cough* unlike one state medical school I applied to. BTW, that medical school was probably two-thirds more expensive to attend than UW. The drawbacks, however, were that 1) we had to do statewide rotations, 2) M2 year wasn't pass/fail and 3) H's salary is so much better in Chicago that if I did get accepted we'd have to live apart. As I mentioned, it was a really difficult decision to make. My gut told me to go with UW, and when they offered me a scholarship, it was much easier to stomach that decision. I knew that at some point we all had to make sacrifices and it was time for H to step up and let me pursue my dreams.

Precious Moments with My Onigiri

Well, enough about myself, let's get to the main point: my little rice ball. *sigh* She's laying on the floor mattress right next to me, sound asleep. I know it's kind of creepy but I can stare at this little girl sleeping forever. The calm expression on her face just melts my heart. There are moments like these that I wish could last forever. Like when she laid on my arms today while we took the metra bus to downtown, or whenever I feel her warmth as I hold her in my arms. Saya definitely takes after her father's warm body. For some unknown reason by body is always cool/cold. I always joke that I use H for his body, which is 100% true because I leech off of their heat during the wintertime. Of course, H being the offbeat person hat he is, always reply that he can live with that.  Haha...the many beauties of life...Things like these make me curse my mere mortality!

So I'm sitting here, trying to remember all the cool or unusual things that Saya has been doing/saying lately. My new apartment is located in a Eagle Heights, a large community housing for international students, employees and students with children or spouses, and lucky out-of-state students. Saya and I are in love with this place! We have a community center, a community garden, a daycare center, several swings and playgrounds right in our backyard, and plenty of places to ride our bikes. Did I also mention that Eagle Heights is right next to Lake Mendota? In Chicago, this type of real estate has all been swept up by developers and converted to condos that only the wealthy can afford. Why do I feel like the city of Madison cares more for its residents that Chicago? Anyhow, they call Eagle Heights the quintessential place for raising a family. Except what to do when half of your family is spending only weekends here? I think we can make this work. Focus on school during weekdays, family weekends. I can already imagine the countless picnics, bbqs, and outdoor excursions we'll have as a family.

Did I mention that Saya is extremely family-oriented? She's quite an artist now, with her nteenth number of drawing journals. About 90% of her drawings are of "family", with mommy, daddy, and Saya. (For some unknown reason mommy is always drawn bigger than daddy. @_@). Her drawings are becoming more detail-oriented. Yesterday, she drew ice cream, blue hight heels with pink flowers, and a bunch of other random stuff I can't remember  (gosh I need to start posting pics like my friend Rosa). Her two favorite character themes are My Little Pet Shop and My Little Pony. She goes berserk for LPS stuff! Her collection has grown pretty big, especially after our trip to Mexico. We found out that LPS toys were $1 cheaper there, so we grabbed as many different characters as we can for Saya. Those were our only souvenirs from Mexico. ^_^ She still hasn't opened all of them (about 10 altogether). As with most of Sayas birthday and christmas presents, she only gets to open a toy when she's good. I think that this practice gives her a better appreciation of things. There is this saying that "some things in life are worth waiting for" and I think that most things are more valuable to you just because you had to wait for it! This is especially true for kids, who doesn't have a defined sense of what is valuable and what is not. (I mean, my nephew has a Mustang hot wheels for Pete's sake and probably doesn't even remember having one since his dad moved it to the garage). I see the joy in Sayas face when I let her open a new toy after begging and pleading and being "good" for it. If I could just milk that joy from her christmas and birthday presents, why not right?

Anyhow, while we waiting for the bus stop today, Saya managed to entertain herself with her LPS toys and a bunch of leaves and fruits she found during our walk. She put together a delicious meal (ok, I need to get my shit together and posts these pics) of berries on a bed of leaves for her pig and some other pet. Although Saya can get glued to Youtube at times, there are moments throughout the day when she becomes really imaginative. For example, two days ago, I let her use a box for our floor lamps to make a mini diorama for her LPS toys. She's probably over that box now, but man was she ecstatic to receive a new "vessel" for her LPS toys! Also, whenever Saya watches a new video she would line up her LPS toys in front of the screen so that they can "enjoy" the show with her. I also discovered that she has a miniature metal frog that Grandpa (H's dad) bought for her from the "mall" (aka the thrift store). It is so tiny, about 1 cm in width and height. I am amazed at how well she keeps these tiny little things.

I am also amazed at how well Saya emulates her zodiac sign, which is the year of the rat (same as mine). Like a house mouse (because rats creep me out), she likes to collect tiny things, everything from miniature toys to scraps of paper that she cut out. She also eats like a mouse, nibbling on things here and there while never fully completing any meal. Perhaps I should start calling her my little house mouse. hhaha.

Ok, well my joint swelling is now gone thanks to the Tylenol pill I took almost 2 hours ago. I think I can go to sleep now!

More than a year later....I'm still in love

Every once in a while I need to remind myself of the x billion projects I've started and never finished...not quite. It's not that I'm negligent, I just have so much going on in my life, and so many things that I'm crazy about that I cannot devote myself to one thing within a reasonable amount of time. Is that so wrong? But I'm happy right?

So every time I'm reminded of this blog, I go back and read my accounts of my precious onigiri, S, like drops of pearl in the ocean. I've forgotten how much S has grown and I can't believe it has been over a year since I last posted in this blog. Actually, a lot of things has happened during the past year. I studied my ass off for the MCAT, applied to medical school, organized 2 fundraisers, went on a Catholic camping excursion, and traversed 3 different countries (abroad) for a mission trip. Oh and I got into medical school, 4 of them! I must say 2012 was a pretty productive year for me. I still haven't decided which school to attend yet since I'm still waiting for campus assignment for one and another one is way too good to pass up yet (ugg....hard decisions!). I am so glad that I finally get a breather for once. I'm definitely going to make the most out of the time I have left before I start school. And that means, going on a real vacation, trying to complete all the craft projects that I wanted to do, and of course, spending a ridiculous amount of quality time with S.

S is such an amazing child now. And I really mean it. She has transformed into such a darling little girl. Despite her occasional bitch fits and the morning drudgery of getting her ready for school, she is so helpful, so obedient, caring, and dependable. This morning, Daddy and S forgot her bookbag at home, so Daddy decided to entrust S with bringing her bookbag to school from now on. S just turned 5 recently. We made it a big deal in the house.

"Dear S, you are 5 now. You are going to have more responsibilities. Like remembering to do your own homework."

Except, we don't really have to remind her. S loves to read. It doesn't matter how late it is, she still makes us read to her before nightime.

"Mrs. K said you have to read to me every night Mommy!"

We also told S she should try to wean herself from nighttime diapers now that she's older. On some nights, she insists on not wearing diapers and promises to go to the bathroom or hold her pee in when she needs to go. Despite all of our efforts, she still gets accidents and then she goes back to the diapers. I know it's bad that she still pees in her bed, but I don't want to shame her into getting better. It is her age-appropriate obstacle and I want her to be able to overcome it with her own willpower, which she has tons of.

Speaking of willpower, S has shown a lot of interest in writing/reading lately. For the past nights, she has been sitting quietly on her futon (yes we got her to sleep on her own bed! woohoo!) and writing in her "journal" while listening to our eclectic collection of music. With our internet out of service and Saya fallen fast asleep, H and I spent some time going through her journal (with her permission of course). Ah, the experience was priceless. Saya has several sketches of humans and animals with various (and pretty successful) attempts at spelling out words. On one page, she has a framed sketch of a dolphin on a see with the sun shining in the sky and the letters "DLFIN" written across the top of the page. On another page, she spells out HPY BRTAY. On several pages, she writes our full names....mispelling it at times. H mentioned that S has asked him for my "second" name.

"What? You mean, Mommy's last name?" ,H replied to S.

"yea, that one" ,Said S. Then she proceeds to spell out my name on her own.

*sigh* S just makes my heart melt. She has inspired me on so many levels. S has gotten me into a baking frenzy lately. It started December 2011, when she stumbled upon several cake pop tutorials while browsing Youtube (who'd knew a 3 year old could be so proficient?). She nagged me for months...."Mommy, can you please make cake pops?" I was busy studying for the MCAT, but immediately went out and bought the supplies the day after I took the exam. That weekend, with the help of my friend, I made cake pops with S. I think she must have gotten her tenacity from me because like me, she REFUSED to eat while she coated her cake pops with candy melt and decorated them with sprinkles and other toppings. That day, I discovered that S and I could bond through baking.

I had baked before, with horrible success. I tried to make a german chocolate cake from store mix and store frosting. I didn't know that you were supposed to level a cake by cutting out the domed top, so my german chocolate cake was a big disaster. It drooped everywhere. It was so overly sweet and just all around dry. From that day on I vowed that I would never go into baking again. But I bought a bunch of cake mixes for S's cake pops. As the saying goes, one thing led to another. One day, I decided to use up all the cake mixes and store frosting that I had. I made cupcakes for a party. It was so EASY and Saya loves to help. Her favorite part is cracking the eggs and mixing the batter. The cupcakes was a huge hit, even though I thought it was still too sweet. That same day, my friend had enlisted me to help him bake a cake for his girlfriend (since most bakeries were closed that Christmas weekend). With little experience and minimal tools, our team improvised. The birthday girl was very happy with her cake. Everyone raved about how moist the cake was. I told one of my girlfriend about my previous baking fiasco. "You should give it a shot, V. I think you're going to do amazing things."

Well, I have definitely been taking her advice and since then, I've experimented with all sorts of baking techniques. Meringues, chocolate mousses, chocolate ganache, different frosting, cream cheese frosting, and so much more to be discovered.  I never realized that my baking was more well received than my cooking was. Now I know the true meaning of the "icing on the cake!" Because of S, I have found a new love. It has been a crazy ride. I hope that she will continue to inspire me throughout the rest of my life......

Eh, so much for that off-tangent topic.

Saya's Inquisitiveness & Positive Parenting

*sigh* I'm a bit stuck at work right now. H has spent the last 30 minutes trying to drive two blocks to the nearest gas station and pick me up. The funny thing, he's still not at the station yet. So what do I do? I'm pretty exhausted from editing MRI images and programming batch codes all day. I'm just not in the mood to do anything productive, so I figured I'll update this poorly run blog for my lil onigiri.

She's probably asleep right now, nestled snuggly in our bed while H is braving Chicago's project snowstorm and I am comfortably trying not to think about having to go out there. It can't be that bad can it?

Anyhow, I know that I mentioned in the last post that Saya's starting to talk a lot more, up to a point where it makes our brains dizzy. "Mommy? Why does it get cold? Why is it light and dark? Why does it rain? Why does it snow? Why does the moon come out when it's dark? Why is that lady talking? Why? Why? But WHY?....." Although it can be exhausting at times, I have to give this one credit for being so inquisitive about scientific phenomena. I try not to discourage her for asking the questions. Instead of giving her half-assed explanations, I do make an effort to explain the reasoning to her.

"Well Saya. It rains because the water in the ground gets hot and become air. The air goes to the sky, where it becomes clouds. When the clouds have a lot of water in them, they can't hold it in any longer and they let everything out. That's why it rains."

Saya goes,"oooohh..."

Daddy adds,"See Saya. It's just like when you need to pee. You drink a lot of water and when you can't hold it in anymore, you pee in the toilet."

Saya,"OOOhhhhh..."

It just amazes me how a little child like Saya is already asking questions that I never thought of asking in the first place. Even when I was a young kid, I would just assume that the moon was a well-lit balloon that followed me everywhere I went. It never occurred to me to ask the adults what actually happened. So yes, as tiring as it is to come up with explanations for Saya's questioins, I keep on answering until I reach a point where I can't answer her "Whys" anymore. I figured that's a life lesson that we all often forget: that some things just don't have an answer and it's up to us to find those answers.

As much as I love science, I find that I'm not as creative as I want to be in the way that I think about things. I mean, given an idea, I can make things work. But to come up with that idea alone really takes a special kind of skill. Growing up in an asian household with strict parents, I was trained to never question adults. If we were accused of doing something, defending ourself or just the mere act of speaking to our parents would be met with a beating. I'm not saying that my parents were bad parents, but I feel that type of discipline could suppress a child's leadership qualities. I think that my siblings and I would've been really messed up human beings if it weren't for my mom's ability to reason through our actions and consequences, which negated my dad's beatings.

So I carry what I learn from my mom and years of education in psychology to my parenting with Saya. She's young, but already at a stage where she is defiant. Her auntie tells me she that she acts more like a teenager, throwing b*tch fits and getting upset when people talking about her. She's also very empathetic by displaying nurturing attitudes towards her toys and other members in the family. The other day auntie called Saya to ask her what she wanted for dinner. Saya asked her to bring enough food for "mommy and daddy." When anyone asks her who she loves more, she always reply that she loves "both." One day I caught saya rubbing some vaporub on her Hello Kitty stuffed animal. Saya said that Hello Kitty had a tummy ache and the vaporub would make HK feel better (she mistakes vaporub for tiger balm because of the smell).

So that's the update on my baby. Sassy, as always, but now more mature. If she acts like a teenager now, I sure hope that she will act like an adult when she does become a teenager. Such wishful thinking!

She talks too much

So now I've resorted to phone blogging to save those itty bitty precious free time for my baby. The funny thing is she's pretty old now. Saya can speak complete sentences, asks you questions and even argue with you with some common sense. We have a tendency to say that she talks too much, but we all really adore her eloquence, despite it driving us crazy sometimes.

Yesterday morning saya asked hak,; daddy can I ask you a question? How do you "mem" yourself?" In Khmer, "mem" means to nurse. Yes, Saya still nurses. She just can't give it up and I don't think I can either. It is really a wonderful bonding experience. There's nothing quite like caressing your child while she lays snugly in your arms. I feel so calm and content when I'm bfing. I know its the hormones, so it's not just me being crazy. I never thought that I would bf for this long.ther are some moments when I wished saya would give it up already. However when she's loud n energetic n suddenly wants to nurse, its like a sigh of relief for me because I would experience a moment of peace and quiet to myself.

I know that she will get over it and I try to encourage her. But for now, il cherish every bit of it.

But yea there goes my diversion from the topic again. Going back to saya being so talkative, she's quite a character now.just like her daddy, she just doesn't stop talking! Some of her favorite lines are "talk to me" and "what did your say?" She's adding more adjectives and prepositions to her sentences.

Saya is extremely possessive of her parents. Chhay, haks 23 year old nephew, is staying with us for the time. Whenever hak or i around, she always give him a dirty stare n tell him that "that's my mommy."

I have no idea how well sayas speaking skills compare to her peers. We try to correct her english when she's wrong so that school l won't be so hard when she gets older. Is such a shame that they took her off the roster for another child at the local public school. I hope too get her started soon. She's intellectually ready, but I'm not sure if she's emotionally ready. I wish that id get more time to spend with her, but I have to focus on my career. Do this is what being an adult feels like. >.<

Book Project

Starting today I am going to write a book for saya for all her smart alec quotes. Here's some beginners:

#1:

Chhay (older cousin): Hey Saya wanna see my missing tooth? (shows Saya missing tooth).

Saya: You eat too much candy. The dentist had to pull it out. You need to brush your teeth.

#2:

(Saya is sick and Daddy pours her some medicine into a cup. Saya "chugs" the cup and walks away.)

Saya: Oh the medicine's so yummy...I love medicine.

Daddy: Saya, why is there more stuff in here than the medicine I poured in for you? Wait a minute come back here! Saya drink your medicine!

#3:

Saya: Chhay where were you?

Chhay: I went to see my friends get married.

Saya: Well, when I marry my boyfriend you can't come.

#4. (at the mall with Auntie Chara)

Mall salesperson: Is this your mommy?

Saya: No she's not my mommy. She's not my family.

(Auntie Chara buries her face in her hands.)

#5. (Auntie Leah brings Saya to her first day of school. They are walking 2 blocks home and Saya is upset that Ming Leah makes her walk the entire time. )

Saya: Ming Leah you're a jerk. I don't love you anymore.

#6.

Saya: Daddy, you know what mommy said to me?

Hak: Yes?

Saya: She said you're a bitch, Daddy. That's right.

#7 (Vy and Saya is walking through the front gate. Vy proceeds to open the gate but notices that she tried to open the wrong end of the gate.)

Saya: (starts giggling softly) Mommy, you're funny. You went to the wrong side of the gate. Haha you're so funny.

#8.

Saya: Daddy, I have a question for you.

Hak: Yes, Saya what do you want to ask?

Saya: How do you mem (Khmer for "nurse") yourself?

The terrible threes

How sad is this? The last time I updated this blog, Saya was 2 and now she's nearly 4. We started her application for preschool at the local elementary school. I'm praying that they will let her start this August. She is definitely intellectually ready for school and I think that the environment will foster some social skills in her. As of now, Saya is such a bratty little kid. Granted, she's cuter than ever because she talks so damn much, but there are times when she just drives me crazy. I wish that I could continue the rest of this post but damn, I really need to get back to studying. :(

Some thoughts on my 2 year old

Hi again,

I almost forgot I had started this blog over a year ago until a few days ago when I discovered the joy of blog reading after hunting down a rau cau (vietnamese jello) recipe. While the rau cau sucked big time (due to my poor mathematic skills), the blog reading happy person in me became motivated to contribute to this blog again.

So what's the deal with my baaaybee? She's no longer a baby of course. Saya turned 2 recently. I think I must have spent almost a grand for that party (even though it wasn't as crowded as her first party), but the food was incredibly delicious. Back to my lil one'. Well, I am at work right now taking a break from some data processing. Saya is probably at home right now, either watching her "Minnie mouse" shows or playing with her cornucopia of toys. As with other children her age, she has A LOT of toys. Most of it are hand me downs, some were from her birthdays, and then there's the "just-becauses" from Uncle Thinh. I try not to add to Saya's collection of toys, but considering it was her birthday last month, I brought her to Target to let her hand-select one toy.

Well you know how the story goes. You put a toddler in the toy section and all hell breaks loose. Saya was grabbing toys from the shelves left and right. She was terrified of the ABC Elmo, but then again, she loved the tune the character was playing. Of course she had no idea she would only get one toy, but we let her play around with a huge selection to see how fast she got bored of each. Then we arrived at the baby dolls section. To me surprised, Saya was mesmerized by this Target brand baby doll. It was a pretty tricked up baby! It had a bottle that when inserted into the baby's mouth would cause a sucking motion. The baby also cried, laughed, giggled, and snored when certain parts of its body was squeezed. Saya used to hate it when I held other babies, but she was different with this little doll. For one, she was perplexed by the bottle feeding. She would alternate between sticking her finger in the baby's mouth and putting the bottle in the baby's mouth to see why the baby wouldn't suck her finger. Unlike the other toys, she was also very delicate with this doll, cradling the doll in her hand and patting the baby's head. I gave her the option of choosing the fair-skinned or dark-skinned baby and she chose the dark-skinned baby. I also bought her a cute little doll stroller from this awesome dollar store near my house. (it wasn't a dollar, but it was really sweet).

I think the purchase was, in Hak's opinion, a pretty solid investment. The next day Hak's mother tells me that Saya tried to put the baby for a nap and ended up putting herself to sleep. When she woke up from the nap, she noticed her baby did not have a blanket, so she quickly covered the baby with a blanket. Then she told the baby "Mommy go to work" as I always tell her when I leave for work. Saya also learned to use the phrase "uon sua" ("drink milk" in Vietnamese) whenever she gives the baby the bottle. But what's probably most hilarious to us is when she breastfeeds the baby! Saya would lay the baby by her side and cover the baby with a blanket while locking eyes with her doll.

I think buying the doll for Saya gave her some lessons in empathy. When she drops the baby carelessly, I tell her that "it hurts" and "the baby cries." Saya would immediately draw attention to her doll again, cradling the doll with her hands and singing a lullaby for her doll. Of course, there are numerous times when she's not playing with this doll, to which she would say that the baby is "sleeping."

I know this is like preaching to the choir, but when I see Saya do these things that reflect most of what I've done as a mother, it reminds me of how impressionable children at this age can be. I try to watch what I say around her, I also realize that it's what you do that counts the most.

I haven't successfully weaned Saya yet, and despite what others think, she's not too old for nursing. Although she eats a variety of food, it's incredibly difficult for me to force her to eat as much as a typical 2 year old, so I think continuing to nurse her ensures that she's getting some more nutrients. And even though the late night feedings deprive me of some sleep and days off to myself, it's hard to stay away from my baby for a long time also. I enjoy the quiet times that we get when Saya's nursing (otherwise, she ransacks the house all day). I am trying to wean her gently (with the don't-offer-don't-refuse method) and reminding her that big girls don't "maem" (means "nurse" in khmer), but she still requests to nurse every night.

Man, I am getting pretty tired writing this blog. (My lack of sleep and work to blame) I think I am ready for a nap!

Upcoming D-day, I mean B-Day

In two more weeks, Saya turns 1 year old. Even though it seems nice to invite all my seemingly close friends (even though I don't have many, they are all just golden), somehow I dread this day more than ever. I'm not a fan of big parties, as you can see. The closest to partying I do are family get-togethers and company picnics. After I turned 21, I didn't hit the clubs with my girlfriends. In fact, in the past 3.5 years since I turned 21, I only went to a club once. And it was due to going out with DB because he wouldn't go if I went and his friends really wanted him to.

Anyway, I've already written down my guestlist. I haven't invited all the peeps yet, but am hoping to outsource that task to my two closest friends and mother. I've compiled a little spreadsheet to enumerate our guests as well as keep track of costs and supplies; for food mostly. (Of course, parties are ALL about the food!) Starting next week, I will need to start gathering supplies. blah blah blah...party...man I'm really starting to despise party planning. (It will be one of the main reasons for holding off our "wedding" as long as possible.)

Update on Saya:
Still hasn't walked yet. Some people are already calling her a "slow" walker, to which I reply,"Hell yea! She's lazy as heck. We have her walk and after a few minutes, she'll get back down to the floor and start crawling." I think it's amazing how being born around the same time can subject you to all sorts of comparison. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, but I try to avoid making comparisons that promote the idea that my baby is superior to others. She's not. What she is, however, is one sassy ass lil' baby. She has been very good lately as I can't even tell when she's teething. But last night. Well, I don't really know what it was but she wouldn't stop going to the tv yesterday and pressing buttons left and right. DB and I tried to have a decent movie night (watching our Forensic Files, man I love that show), but Saya's antics had us a little frustrated. After several failed attempts to keep her away from the tube, he put her in "time-out" (in her crib) for a minute. She wailed at the top of her lungs, so we took her out. She went back to her bad girl ways. Wouldn't breastfeed or sleep, so DB brought her back to the crib. Strangely, she instantly made peace with the crib and sat there for a good 15 minutes, playing with her crib toys.

New Trick for Baby

Saya learned to wave goodbye today. Hak pretended to leave because she has a tendency to cry when she sees him leaving. So he waved goodbye to her before walking out the door and she waved right back! The funny thing is, she doesn't cry when I leave. I tell Lah (hak's younger sis) it's because when I leave, I never really leave Saya. I always come back, plus I'm never gone for long. Hak, on the other hand, is often gone when he leaves.

Did I mention Saya also knows how to do the "touchdown wave?" She learned how to do it along with Ben a week or two ago. Now, Saya has the movement down pat. Just yell out "touchdown" and she'll raise her arms over her sides high up in the air.

You might wonder how or why I ever found the time to write my blogs today. Usually, I'm either surfing the net for more free patterns or knitting or crocheting and obviously, TAKING CARE OF MY PRECIOUS ONE. Fortunately, she fell asleep very quickly today. I didn't realize how tired she was until I brought her to the bed and she fell asleep within a matter of seconds. It's been reaaaaaaaaaaal hard to do that lately.

Thoughts on Breastfeeding and Going Back to Work

I've been contemplating lately, about going back to work; looking for a part-time or fulltime job. It really pains me to do so, because even at 11 months, it doesn't seem like Saya wants to give up the breastfeeding at all. She gets incredibly cranky when I'm not there to nurse her. Or is it because I don't want to leave my baby? I'm heartbroken, almost. Before I knew I was even pregnant with Saya, I wanted to be able to take a 2-3 year hiatus from work to stay at home with my children. It was almost fairy-tale like because I'd assume that I would be having children long after I established my career. But then Saya came along. I decided that I might as well take that hiatus now since I wasn't tied to a career yet. The really unfortunate thing about all this is that DB and I are only starting out in our post baccalaureate years. We're so dirt poor because he was laid off from his job. (It wouldn't have been so bad if he had taken my advice to NOT leave his previous job. But he disregarded my advice anyways because he thought the new job offered better opportunities. And now, he's laid off, without any unemployment benefits at all.) Aside from Saya and my healthcare, we are currently without any governmental support. We live with his retired father while our savings are hemorrhaging money. Hence why I'll have to join the job-search party when Saya turns 1 if DB hasn't found a job yet by that time. Now that I made the decision to return to work, I'll have to juggle with partially weaning Saya and looking for a job (both equally daunting tasks).

I tell you, there's just not enough cultural support for breastfeeding in America. I've already received numerous unsolicited advice from family members and strangers to wean my baby. I'm the only person I know who breastfeeds her baby past the three month mark. In some ways, this makes me very lonely at times. Even though I view it as an entirely natural thing, and there's this whole community of mothers who encourage and support mothers who breastfeed, I feel like I feel vindicated, almost, by those closest to me, for continuing to breastfeed my baby. (well, enough ranting about that. It's the same ol' incoherent me again)

I know I'm in a financial situation, but if it's even remotely possible for me to continue my relationship with my baby (if DB finds a job to support us until Saya goes to school), I'd take it. I've already made the resolution to purchase clothes only from the salvation army and make the occasion splurge on knitting and crochet supplies (so that I can one day make patterns and dolls to sell) as my only personal expenditure. Despite our money problems, I've been really happy lately. My craft has turned into an obsession. I realized that even though there's very little money in this stuff, I'm actually very happy doing it. I want to get real good, so that I'll be an expert on something for once, and not a jack-of-all-trades.

Sleepless in Chicago

It has become such a pain in the rear to put Saya to sleep. She seems to have dropped her second nap at the tender age of only 11 months, making it much harder for me to get some ME time. Saya doesn't seem to sleep at all at my will. I'll do things like nurse her, rock her, feed her solids until she's very full, bring her out for a drive (which often successfully lulls her to sleep, but not without her dissent; she still hates her car seat to death). When Saya was first born, it was a breeze putting her down. She slept through anything, even through Ben's incessant cries (Ben cried more than she did as a newborn), or a loud vacuum going through the house, or people's screaming. Saya slept so much it made Phuong, my older sister, wonder whether she was "normal" or "well" at all. I really took that for granted. I never had to put her to sleep. She just fell asleep. If only it could stay that way. 

My little sleeping angel slowly turned into a sleeping rebel. In a desperate attempt to get Saya breastfeeding again after a series of nursing strikes, I decided to cut Saya from the bottle altogether and breastfeed exclusively. When she finally took the breast again, she nursed from me practically 15-20 hours a day, which to my surprise, is not rare at all. Staying that long on the breast, it'd make sense that she took some of her naps there too. (It's a very bad habit that seems to run along the bloodline of little babies born in Hak's family) It really didn't occur to me at the time that I was developing a bad precedent by nursing to sleep. But then again, I couldn't help it either because I could never really tell whether she was nursing to eat or nursing for comfort. I didn't want to starve the poor thing, so I nurse on demand. It was so easy to nurse her to sleep. Whenever I was around, she wanted me to nurse her to sleep. Other people could get away with other sleeping methods, but I had to nurse her if I (and I emphasize that I) wanted her to go to sleep. And when Saya's asleep, it's usually ideal that someone sleeps with her so that she takes long naps. She can sleep for a block of 12 hours every night when she sleeps with us. 

Saya started sleeping through the night (STTN) at 3 months. That lasted for a good 2.5 months. She started to wake up more for night feedings. Thankfully, it was easy to put her back to sleep. All I had to do was pop one of my breasts for her and she latch on quietly while she drinks herself back to sleep. However, I'm a very light sleeper and any interrupted sleep means nothing to me. I hated it, of course. The night feedings became more frequent. When I tried to wean Saya onto the bottle at five months, the night feedings became even more frequent. Ironically, I can't seemt o get Saya onto the stuff that I tried to get her off when she was a young baby. Saya til this day, refuses to take a bottle again. As a new mother, I never understood how POWERFUL breastfeeding can be. I mean, the babies just LOVE that stuff, like a druggie on crack. I didn't anticipate that she would refuse a bottle since she was taking that stuff so well in the first three months. Anyway, by 9 months I practically woke up 3-5 times during the night to feed Saya. It led to a lot of resentment between me and Hak. He just has it sooooooooooo easy that he can sleep through the night while I laboriously do everything for his daughter ( i even bathe her and feed her while he "works fulltime", some inequitable division of labor I'm telling you!). I began to wonder whether it's because I breastfeed Saya and whether I had made a terrible decision to breastfeed Saya.  

Funny because it's even harder now to put Saya to sleep. She has become so easily distracted that she'll cut off her nursing occasionally to play with her surroundings and then relatch to nurse again. She might repeat that cycle throughout the bedtime routine an hour (or 2, or 3, or 4) before she goes down to sleep at night. I've thought about letting her cry-it-out, but failed miserably after one or two attempts. I've tried to gently Ferberize her, but that never really works either. Once in a blue moon, she'll fall asleep on her own (after Hak and I are dead tired). Last night, I had to literally pin her down to nurse her to sleep. Otherwise, she'd just roam around the bed looking for walls to stand against.

I presume it's because she doesn't have enough time to practice her walking and standing during the day. Hak and I try to give her plenty of that. We've definitely become more nonchalant about her dreadful sleeping habits. If we didn't, I think we would have gone mad. I picked up crocheting and knitting (again) lately. I've been crazy about it. Everytime Saya sleeps is an opportunity for me to further develop my yarning skills. It explains why I'm up at 3 am in the morning blogging about my daughter's sleep habits. Actually, I should've have been looking up more free patterns (all I can afford these days) on Ravelry, or updating my projects application. I can't believe I've completed over 15 projects since I started 3? months ago. But that's another story in itself.

Procrastinator

Saya just turned nine months last week and here I am, finally writing something about her developments since god knows when. As always, there's much to talk about. I've been busy indulging all my free time making amigurumi, so I left none to write any recent blogs. Hmmm...where should I start?

Did I mention I wanted to try the Baby Led Weaning method? I thought I really failed with this method since the last post when I started her on cereals and pureed solids at five months. Initially, I bought a bunch of fresh organic vegetables (peas, broccoli, squashes, potatoes, and etc.), cooked and pureed them, and stored them in ice cube increments inside the freezer. It's been almost 3 months since I did that and I don't know if it's a sad thing to mention, but a few days ago, I had to dump a bunch of them into the garbage? Why, you might wonder? No, they didn't go bad. It's just that Saya CANNOT STAND eating baby food. She enjoyed the cereals and the purees for the first 2 months or so, but afterwards, she started feeding herself. I tried a combination of traditional solid spoon feeding (when there are things like soups and yogurt that I want to feed her) and BLW. Eventually, I encouraged her to feed herself more by placing her with some edibles at the dinnertable with BF and I. (I guess the whole pureeing and spoonfeeding was "fun" at first, but then it started to become cumbersome as Saya became more physically active and distracted.)

Things really took off since Saya has grasped the pincer grasp! I had a small stash of commercial jarred baby foods to use when I go out and didn't have proper food storage devices and there are still a few jars sitting in our pantry since Saya wouldn't even touch those. She has grown so fond of feeding herself that today, she wouldn't even eat the rice soup (w/catfish, no bones of course) from a sppon. We had to literally spread the thing across her high chair table for her to take a bite. It was a bit comical to watch the poor thing scoup up tiny bits of fish and rice with her hands. It was also an absolute mess. But I've been accustomed to cleaning up after Saya's meals, so the mess didn't seem too bad.

Saya's current repetoire of edibles include:
-Gerber puffs
-broccoli, which she can't get enough of (hooray for me)
-not too fond of the potatoes, but will try the first few chips
-white fish fillets
-chicken/turkey breast, shredded or in the form of nuggets
-rice bits
-hummus
-pita bread/nan/bread
-cheeses
-pasta and noodles
-fresh fruits: bananas (not too fond of), avocado (getting the hang of), grapes, papaya, oranges, apples, berries (I introduced these a little earlier as there's no history of allergies in my family. Luckily, she's not allergice to any of the berries, even strawberries. Lucky for her because she absolutely loves eating berries.)
-baby yogurt (Yo-Baby by StoneyFarms, the only ones that I'll eat now! I wish they had more flavors in this line)

Might I add? Saya has no teeth! Not even a single one. She loves ravaging her food with her gums. You wouldn't think she can eat eat a strawberry cut up, but no, give her that strawberry whole and she'll gnaw at it with her gums until the thing is reduced to strings of fruit. When we give her a slice of something she can't really grind with her gums, she'll just bite off a piece with her gums and suck the living crap out of the bits before she spits it out again. Just yesterday, I fed her some fish soup. I mean, I really tried to watch out for the fish bones (with every spoon I gave her), but somehow I missed this one. Saya ended up spitting the bone back out. One side of of me hung in shame for having missed the bone, but another side was super relieved that Saya can be so smart to spit it out!

I have to say, maybe I was lucky in some ways. BLW kind of came naturally to Saya. I was a bit skeptical that it migt not work at all. I've learned that this really is a laidback approach (you have to be considering the mess! However, the little time you spend in preparation makes up for time you spend in cleaning, plus baby learns to be an independent feeder and takes in highly textured foods! (i'm starting to feel like a BLW advocate now).

That concludes this chapter on BLW. Since I'm rarely on this blog, might as well just discuss other new developments with Saya. She just seems to be a cornucopia of new sounds. Lately, she's been babbling "dah, dah, dee, dah" and occasionally "mama." We try to get a "daddy" or "mommy" out of her, but she doesn't seem to get the message yet. (keep trying they say). I don't really see it in other babies, but Saya has different types of laughs. She has the genuine baby giggles that you get when you tickle her, but then she also has this weird laugh where she practically cuts off her air supply. I dont know how to describe it, but it sounds like you're breathing in too hard or too high in your trachea, like you're making the sound of a creaking door. Saya also laughs "aha" (literally that) or screams at the top of her lungs when she's ecstatic about something. In fact, she screams so damn loud that I can hear the vibrations in my ears during her screams. I only hope that she can keep that up when she gets older in the event that she wants to pursue a singing career. Saya also makes another weird characteristic noise. When she wants somethings, she'll clear her throat very hoarsely, as if she's desperate to remove phlegm from there. It sounds painful. Funny thing though, BF makes the same noise when he wants something.

Saya has become quite a clapper. She claps when she's excited or happy. To our amusement, she consoles herself by clapping when she's upset. Can you imagine a crying baby who happens to be clapping at the same time? It makes sense, of course, for her to amuse herself when she's upset. But for us, it's just hilarious. I'm really disappointed that I've missed videotaping those sessions.

And last but not least, Saya also makes those "mmmmmmmmmmHhh" sounds when she eats something she absolutely loves. I swear, it's as if these babies are born with the instinct to smell out a delicious slice of cake, ice cream, or brownie. Yesterday, Saya eyed a plain doughnut I was eating. I know it was bad, but I couldn't resist letting her explore the doughnut, and I let her have a bite of the nonglazed interior filling. Then another bite, and another bite, and another......because everytime I did, she just kept on going "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm." It's such a shame she can't drink a glass of milk with that because, guess what, she still will NOT take milk from a bottle.

Lazy me

I'm such a lazy bum. These past few days, all I've done during my free time is try to crochet some cute amigurumi from a book. God knows how long it's been since my last entry. Saya has definitely grown a lot. Let me recall her recent milestones:

1. Rolling over: although Saya had grasped this concept far back when she was four months, she had no interest in doing so on her own. She knew how to roll from her tummy onto her back and vice versa, she did it so rarely that I didn't even know if she really knew how to do it at all. Recently, however, she has been rolling onto her tummy a lot on her own. I suspect it's because she searches for the breast and ends up tipping herself over so much that she accomplished the task of rolling over.

2. Crawling: Almost at 8 months, but Saya shows no sign of trying to crawl. She was able to pull herself up into standing position at 6 months. I think Baby-Ya has the impression that she can already walk because everytime we think she's going to crawl (when she's in her crawling position), she puts her feet on the floor and tries to push herself up into standing position. I was told that not crawling may be problematic, but who really cares. She seems to be doing just fine.

3. Eating: Remember the whole baby-led-weaning method that I mentioned I'd try. Well, at 5.5 months, I succumbed to my parents' incessant nagging about how I'm starving my baby on an exclusive breastmilk diet and I started feeding baby purees to Saya. (Then again, Phuong's wedding was dangerously cose. My mother wanted to keep my relatives from finding out about my out-of-wedlock conception. As Phuong's bridesmaid, it was next to impossible to do that when Saya would not take the bottle. To make a long story short, they replaced me at the last minute. But my parents eventually let the cat out of the bag when they realized that it's still next to impossible to keep Saya a secret from the family. I was hoping that my unanticipated early introduction of solids to Saya would make it easier for her to go wihtout me that day. ) Saya loves eating. She is a picky eater, however. As of now, she refuses to eat any of the infant cereals. She can't stand smooth baby purees (good thing for me!). Even though the poor thing has no teeth yet, she loves highly textured foods. It makes my heart melt when Saya smiles at me while she's chewing on some crushed green grapes or soft pumpkin cubes.

4. Introducing the bottle: The irony of this all is that I couldn't get Saya to nurse initially and now that she's nursing, I can't get her to take the bottle at all. As a matter of fact, Saya took the bottle a few times a week up until the third month. Now, she'll play around with the bottle when she's not hungry. But when she gets down to business, nothing else but nursing will do for her. She throws huge fits when she doesn't get to nurse and it discourages me even more to get her to take the bottle because I don't know who will put up with that type of behavior.

I've tried various methods for REintroducing the bottle: getting someone to give it to her when I'm not around, having myself give it to her, giving it to her when she's not too hungry, giving it to her when she's really hungry, trying different bottles, trying different feeding positions, trying different feeding methods (I just need her to take the milk after all!)

To add insult to injury, my mother constantly blames me for Saya's unwillingness to take the bottle. "You should have given her the bottle earlier...you should just wean her..etc.." It also irks me to death when people respond to my situation with "well it's because you spoil her." (But then again, that's a nuance of being a parent isn't it. People always find a way to critique your parenting style even though they don't fully understand your situation)

Honestly, I've reached a point where I just think "fuck it." Forget about trying to go back to work. It's not financially worth it for me anyway. What's spending precious moments with my daughter in the first years of her life compared to a low paying entry position in the world of scientific research/public health/health care? With the way our economy is heading, my job options are practically next to none out there.

5. Personality: We've already had it figured in the first month when Saya screamed at the top of her lungs in her nursing strike. She's a mean baby. Today, Saya threw a fit everytime Chara (Hak's older sis) stopped clapping her hands. But when Um-Yaya resumed, Saya laughed with joy. She can be a calm baby, given that she gets what she wants. Otherwise, Saya whines a lot. She loves pinching my breast when I'm nursing her. I try to discourage it by giving her a blanket or holding her hand. But it seems like pinching my skin produces the most calming effect on her or something. I feel like I'm a part-time masochist or something because there are times when I enjoy her pinching my breast, as weird as that sounds.

Well, there goes my update on Saya. I'm terrible at this stuff. Hopefully, I'll get the chance to update more often from now on.

Good eats in the D. household

So I was getting ready to eat my mom's pho today (which I might add, although was prepared half-assed, still tasted pretty delicious) and guess what I discovered: we ran out of Sriracha. I searched everywhere in my mom's house: her two fridges, her seemingly never ending overstocked pantry (scattered throughoutthe house, which is a mess!), and the dining tables. In the last 20 years of my life (for as long as I can remember), we have never run out of Sriracha before. In fact, I don't think a single American-Vietnamese household ever runs out of Sriracha. Even Hak's house (my crib actually), which is a Cambodian household, has 2-3 bottles of Sriracha in the pantry.

For those unfamiliar with Sriracha, it's an Asian brand of hot sauce with a consistency similar to that of ketchup. It's predominantly used as a condiment along with hoison sauce for pho, the Vietnamese equivalent of chicken noodle soup (aka all time favorite). Go to the link for more info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sriracha. I, however, prefer not to use the sauces in my noodle soup but rather use them as dipping sauces for my meats. Most people do both, but I think putting the sauces in your bowl underscores how complex and delicious the pho broth is alone. I used to put Sriracha and hoison sauce into my broth. It made the broth so intensely flavored (but not in a good way) that I could seldom ate the broth when all the "solids" were gone. Whenever that happened, my mother would ask me why I didn't "finish eating the broth." I never really understood why she asked this question until I started separating the sauces from the broth. Now, by using the sauces as dips for my meats, I get a burst of spicy and sweet from the sauces, but then I "water" it down with the warm broth with its hints of star anise and (maybe) cinnamon (which you can't really taste if you mix your broth with the sauces). Actually, I learned to do this from a Japanese-born friend whom I invited over my mother's house for dinner. She took one sip of the pho broth and claimed that it was so delicious she didn't want to put anything else in it to ruin the flavors. Now, I sip every bit of the pho broth. I showed Hak, my little sister, and my friends this way of eating too and we've all become pho-addicts since we converted.

Wow, talk about going off on a tangent. This is why I never really did well in English. Anyway, going back to the Sriracha. What can I say? I just love that sauce. It tastes great on stirfry. Combined with mayonnaise, it makes an awesome dip for shrimp cocktail or steamed vegetables. They use this combination on sushi too (spicy tuna maki anyone). Oh yes, and unlike Hoison sauce, you MUST absolutely refrigerate Sriracha. You want to eat a bright red Sriracha, not a dark pungent smelling and degraded-spicy Sriracha that has been left out on the dining table too long.

Going back to my predicament, I tried to use Sambal Oelek (another type/brand of hot sauce) for my pho, but it wasn't the same. I love Sambal and all, but it's not as spicy and dynamic as Sriracha to contrast the flavors of the Hoison sauce. It kind of just blends in with the Hoison sauce. I'm not used to that I guess. I'm a stickler with my food. Must tell the mum to buy more Sriracha for her pantry to avoid another meltdown.

The Upright Baby

Saya has no interest in rolling or crawling....yet. However, she is uber excited about being able to sit upright. She can't do it on her own yet, but given a little nudge, the poor thing can sit upright for a long time. My little onigiri has started to become quite the comedian lately too. Just the other day, she attacked Hak's tummy with her mouth. When he pretended to laugh, she would giggle and do it repeatedly until she got bored.

Tasty Little Toes

Saya discovered the taste of her toe today! Lately, she loves to hold onto her feet with her tiny hands.

First words already?

Saya has become quite a babbler. I never noticed how much she babbles until about two days ago when she babbled "mum, mum, mum" and "ba, ba, ba" (Ba meaning "father" in Vietnamese) everytime she wanted something. I'm beginning to think that she has associated "mum" with me, in other words, food! Shame on me, I don't even know when she started to babble. I know it's just her babbling, but when does the "mum" and "ba" become a first word then? When she learns to associate the word with an object? Oh wells...

On another note, Saya seems to be more interested in solids. She constantly stares at us when we eat (sometimes her eyes even follow my spoon as it moves from the plate to my mouth) and puckers her lips like she wants some too. I think it's really cute. I bought her a sippy cup and filled it with water so that she can experiment with something else other than my breasts! She loves the sippy cup. She won't drink milk from it, but she adores playing with it and drinking water from it. (Of course, I give her very little water for fear of water intoxication). I think Saya is ready for solids (evident the other day when she beamed with joy after my sister sister gave Saya a taste of Ben's food), but I'm debating on whether I should start this early. I'm looking into trying the baby-led-weaning method, but don't know how much easier it is compared to mainstream solid feeding. I'll look into the topic a little more.

By the way, Saya turns 5 months in eight more days. She still doesn't know how to turn over yet. In fact, she doesn't seem interested in turning over at all. I encourage her by putting toys and bright colored objects to the side and giving her a little nudge to turn over, but she just rolls on her back and hold her feet with her two hands. The other day, during a family bbq, one of my very good friends, Mylan, (after having watched Saya) excitingly mentioned to me that Saya knew how to roll over. I thought, darn it, I wasn't there to record it! But then I learned that Saya only knew how to roll on her back from her tummy, which she learned in the early days of being able to hold her head up during tummy time. So it wasn't anything surprising like the way Mylan portrayed it to be. But now that I think about it, am I not paying as much attention as I should be? I guess this whole parenting thing has made me more absent minded. (Hence, why I need to keep a journal to remind myself of those more sane-minded days.)

Why I started this blog.

When my daughter, Saya, was born a little less than five months ago, I told myself that I would keep a journal detailing all the milestones she goes through. How optimistic I was at that time because ever since Saya has been born, I have found very little time to do anything at all. It's the hardest blow that a new parent can get. It doesn't quite hit you yet until you realize how sleep deprived or exhausted you are from tending to the baby 24 hours a day. But slowly, you learn to make time. You readjust your priorities (including your work, your meals, and sadly, sometimes your hygiene) and pretty soon, you have assimilated the baby into your life. Who am I talking to anyways? I'm just darn glad I actually make time to talk about her now (even though I haven't yet.

I brought Saya to the Taste of Chicago two weeks ago. She refuses to take the bottle and I refuse to be cooped up in my apartment, so I bring her everywhere with me. Man, when they tell you that breastfeeding increases bonding between mother and baby, they weren't kidding! Sure, a mother can bond with her baby in many ways: reading to the baby, singing to the baby, bathing and diapering the baby, rocking the baby. But when you breastfeed your baby, it's more obligatory BINDING (especially when your baby refuses the bottle, and most babies do!). I can't spend more than three hours away from Saya. When I'm away, she will cry and fuss before she takes the bottle. And when she takes the bottle, she will drink only enough to stave off hunger until I come home to feed her.

I know it sounds daunting. (I have a knack for making things sound terrible for myself). But really, breastfeeding is one of the best parenting decisions I've made so far. Aside from the copious health benefits that breastfeeding provides for Saya and me, it's helped me understand the significance of mothering, which I thought I understood when I was pregnant. I love my daughter to death. I miss her when I'm away from her. I even miss her when I get an scarce 3-4 hours to myself during her naps. I bring her everywhere with me. With that, she learns what my world is like as well.

A Rainy Day

The past few days has been hella hot. It rained a lot last night, so today is a lot cooler: a breezy 70 degrees Fahrenheit. Saya has been sleeping for the past three hours, which is a rarity with her these days. Usually, Saya will sleep from 10pm-10am and take 20-30 minute naps throughout the day when she nurses. But she rarely gives me a few hours to myself because she's awake the entire time. Come to think of it, I'm beginning to miss her already.