Thoughts on Breastfeeding and Going Back to Work

I've been contemplating lately, about going back to work; looking for a part-time or fulltime job. It really pains me to do so, because even at 11 months, it doesn't seem like Saya wants to give up the breastfeeding at all. She gets incredibly cranky when I'm not there to nurse her. Or is it because I don't want to leave my baby? I'm heartbroken, almost. Before I knew I was even pregnant with Saya, I wanted to be able to take a 2-3 year hiatus from work to stay at home with my children. It was almost fairy-tale like because I'd assume that I would be having children long after I established my career. But then Saya came along. I decided that I might as well take that hiatus now since I wasn't tied to a career yet. The really unfortunate thing about all this is that DB and I are only starting out in our post baccalaureate years. We're so dirt poor because he was laid off from his job. (It wouldn't have been so bad if he had taken my advice to NOT leave his previous job. But he disregarded my advice anyways because he thought the new job offered better opportunities. And now, he's laid off, without any unemployment benefits at all.) Aside from Saya and my healthcare, we are currently without any governmental support. We live with his retired father while our savings are hemorrhaging money. Hence why I'll have to join the job-search party when Saya turns 1 if DB hasn't found a job yet by that time. Now that I made the decision to return to work, I'll have to juggle with partially weaning Saya and looking for a job (both equally daunting tasks).

I tell you, there's just not enough cultural support for breastfeeding in America. I've already received numerous unsolicited advice from family members and strangers to wean my baby. I'm the only person I know who breastfeeds her baby past the three month mark. In some ways, this makes me very lonely at times. Even though I view it as an entirely natural thing, and there's this whole community of mothers who encourage and support mothers who breastfeed, I feel like I feel vindicated, almost, by those closest to me, for continuing to breastfeed my baby. (well, enough ranting about that. It's the same ol' incoherent me again)

I know I'm in a financial situation, but if it's even remotely possible for me to continue my relationship with my baby (if DB finds a job to support us until Saya goes to school), I'd take it. I've already made the resolution to purchase clothes only from the salvation army and make the occasion splurge on knitting and crochet supplies (so that I can one day make patterns and dolls to sell) as my only personal expenditure. Despite our money problems, I've been really happy lately. My craft has turned into an obsession. I realized that even though there's very little money in this stuff, I'm actually very happy doing it. I want to get real good, so that I'll be an expert on something for once, and not a jack-of-all-trades.