I'm brought to tears. It's been almost a month since I started med school, more than 100 miles away from Saya. In the beginning, I admit I had taken the separation more easily than I thought I would. I had some of the best sleep I've had in years. I still can't imagine how I will ever be able to SURVIVE med school with all the distractions at home. Plus, my love for my new home and the family I've found in my classmates has made this experience so memorable in many ways. But then again, I'm a mother before anything else....
A few days ago, Saya said to H,"Daddy, "Why can't we be a family? It's like something's missing when Mommy's gone." As she places her hand on her chest, she asked "Why does it hurt here?" I think it broke my heart too. Saya, just barely a kindergartener, was able to elicit the feelings she described so accurately in me. We've been video chatting every night, but I know it's not the same as being able to hold her and kiss her ad nauseum in a day. I can only imagine how hard this is for her, but at the same time I want her to learn that that I'm pursuing bigger and better things (as I want her to do). I want her to learn that some that things in life are worth sacrificing .Hang in there baby girl. No matter where I am, I will always be there for you. Now I will go and snuggle with my baby during the precious night I share with her.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Friday, August 16, 2013
Precious summer days with my baby
It's 3:24 am in the morning and I'm at my new apartment in Madison, with Saya, sans le bf. H is currently in Chicago working while Saya is spending the week with me in Madison until classes starts this coming Monday. As excited as I am about starting medical school, I am a tad devastated that I will have to live apart from my baby.
Our New Chapter
It was a really difficult decision to make in the beginning. I never expected to matriculate at the UW medical school, nor considered it as an option in the first place until I realized that Madison was equidistant from Chicago as Urbana. So, with the advice of a fellow coworker, who happens to be a medical student and a former Madison dweller, I added UW to my list of schools later in the application cycle. To my surprise, I was granted an interview, which I almost did not attend had it not been for my nonacceptance decision at Loyola. When I attended the interview, I admit I was floored by the medical school. They had an amazing reputation in research, tons of global health opportunities, possibilities for academic medicine, top of the line technology, plenty of administrative support, and get this, basically one of the cheapest tuition, out-of-state residency included, without all the drawbacks of a public institution *cough* unlike one state medical school I applied to. BTW, that medical school was probably two-thirds more expensive to attend than UW. The drawbacks, however, were that 1) we had to do statewide rotations, 2) M2 year wasn't pass/fail and 3) H's salary is so much better in Chicago that if I did get accepted we'd have to live apart. As I mentioned, it was a really difficult decision to make. My gut told me to go with UW, and when they offered me a scholarship, it was much easier to stomach that decision. I knew that at some point we all had to make sacrifices and it was time for H to step up and let me pursue my dreams.
Precious Moments with My Onigiri
Well, enough about myself, let's get to the main point: my little rice ball. *sigh* She's laying on the floor mattress right next to me, sound asleep. I know it's kind of creepy but I can stare at this little girl sleeping forever. The calm expression on her face just melts my heart. There are moments like these that I wish could last forever. Like when she laid on my arms today while we took the metra bus to downtown, or whenever I feel her warmth as I hold her in my arms. Saya definitely takes after her father's warm body. For some unknown reason by body is always cool/cold. I always joke that I use H for his body, which is 100% true because I leech off of their heat during the wintertime. Of course, H being the offbeat person hat he is, always reply that he can live with that. Haha...the many beauties of life...Things like these make me curse my mere mortality!
So I'm sitting here, trying to remember all the cool or unusual things that Saya has been doing/saying lately. My new apartment is located in a Eagle Heights, a large community housing for international students, employees and students with children or spouses, and lucky out-of-state students. Saya and I are in love with this place! We have a community center, a community garden, a daycare center, several swings and playgrounds right in our backyard, and plenty of places to ride our bikes. Did I also mention that Eagle Heights is right next to Lake Mendota? In Chicago, this type of real estate has all been swept up by developers and converted to condos that only the wealthy can afford. Why do I feel like the city of Madison cares more for its residents that Chicago? Anyhow, they call Eagle Heights the quintessential place for raising a family. Except what to do when half of your family is spending only weekends here? I think we can make this work. Focus on school during weekdays, family weekends. I can already imagine the countless picnics, bbqs, and outdoor excursions we'll have as a family.
Did I mention that Saya is extremely family-oriented? She's quite an artist now, with her nteenth number of drawing journals. About 90% of her drawings are of "family", with mommy, daddy, and Saya. (For some unknown reason mommy is always drawn bigger than daddy. @_@). Her drawings are becoming more detail-oriented. Yesterday, she drew ice cream, blue hight heels with pink flowers, and a bunch of other random stuff I can't remember (gosh I need to start posting pics like my friend Rosa). Her two favorite character themes are My Little Pet Shop and My Little Pony. She goes berserk for LPS stuff! Her collection has grown pretty big, especially after our trip to Mexico. We found out that LPS toys were $1 cheaper there, so we grabbed as many different characters as we can for Saya. Those were our only souvenirs from Mexico. ^_^ She still hasn't opened all of them (about 10 altogether). As with most of Sayas birthday and christmas presents, she only gets to open a toy when she's good. I think that this practice gives her a better appreciation of things. There is this saying that "some things in life are worth waiting for" and I think that most things are more valuable to you just because you had to wait for it! This is especially true for kids, who doesn't have a defined sense of what is valuable and what is not. (I mean, my nephew has a Mustang hot wheels for Pete's sake and probably doesn't even remember having one since his dad moved it to the garage). I see the joy in Sayas face when I let her open a new toy after begging and pleading and being "good" for it. If I could just milk that joy from her christmas and birthday presents, why not right?
Anyhow, while we waiting for the bus stop today, Saya managed to entertain herself with her LPS toys and a bunch of leaves and fruits she found during our walk. She put together a delicious meal (ok, I need to get my shit together and posts these pics) of berries on a bed of leaves for her pig and some other pet. Although Saya can get glued to Youtube at times, there are moments throughout the day when she becomes really imaginative. For example, two days ago, I let her use a box for our floor lamps to make a mini diorama for her LPS toys. She's probably over that box now, but man was she ecstatic to receive a new "vessel" for her LPS toys! Also, whenever Saya watches a new video she would line up her LPS toys in front of the screen so that they can "enjoy" the show with her. I also discovered that she has a miniature metal frog that Grandpa (H's dad) bought for her from the "mall" (aka the thrift store). It is so tiny, about 1 cm in width and height. I am amazed at how well she keeps these tiny little things.
I am also amazed at how well Saya emulates her zodiac sign, which is the year of the rat (same as mine). Like a house mouse (because rats creep me out), she likes to collect tiny things, everything from miniature toys to scraps of paper that she cut out. She also eats like a mouse, nibbling on things here and there while never fully completing any meal. Perhaps I should start calling her my little house mouse. hhaha.
Ok, well my joint swelling is now gone thanks to the Tylenol pill I took almost 2 hours ago. I think I can go to sleep now!
Our New Chapter
It was a really difficult decision to make in the beginning. I never expected to matriculate at the UW medical school, nor considered it as an option in the first place until I realized that Madison was equidistant from Chicago as Urbana. So, with the advice of a fellow coworker, who happens to be a medical student and a former Madison dweller, I added UW to my list of schools later in the application cycle. To my surprise, I was granted an interview, which I almost did not attend had it not been for my nonacceptance decision at Loyola. When I attended the interview, I admit I was floored by the medical school. They had an amazing reputation in research, tons of global health opportunities, possibilities for academic medicine, top of the line technology, plenty of administrative support, and get this, basically one of the cheapest tuition, out-of-state residency included, without all the drawbacks of a public institution *cough* unlike one state medical school I applied to. BTW, that medical school was probably two-thirds more expensive to attend than UW. The drawbacks, however, were that 1) we had to do statewide rotations, 2) M2 year wasn't pass/fail and 3) H's salary is so much better in Chicago that if I did get accepted we'd have to live apart. As I mentioned, it was a really difficult decision to make. My gut told me to go with UW, and when they offered me a scholarship, it was much easier to stomach that decision. I knew that at some point we all had to make sacrifices and it was time for H to step up and let me pursue my dreams.
Precious Moments with My Onigiri
Well, enough about myself, let's get to the main point: my little rice ball. *sigh* She's laying on the floor mattress right next to me, sound asleep. I know it's kind of creepy but I can stare at this little girl sleeping forever. The calm expression on her face just melts my heart. There are moments like these that I wish could last forever. Like when she laid on my arms today while we took the metra bus to downtown, or whenever I feel her warmth as I hold her in my arms. Saya definitely takes after her father's warm body. For some unknown reason by body is always cool/cold. I always joke that I use H for his body, which is 100% true because I leech off of their heat during the wintertime. Of course, H being the offbeat person hat he is, always reply that he can live with that. Haha...the many beauties of life...Things like these make me curse my mere mortality!
So I'm sitting here, trying to remember all the cool or unusual things that Saya has been doing/saying lately. My new apartment is located in a Eagle Heights, a large community housing for international students, employees and students with children or spouses, and lucky out-of-state students. Saya and I are in love with this place! We have a community center, a community garden, a daycare center, several swings and playgrounds right in our backyard, and plenty of places to ride our bikes. Did I also mention that Eagle Heights is right next to Lake Mendota? In Chicago, this type of real estate has all been swept up by developers and converted to condos that only the wealthy can afford. Why do I feel like the city of Madison cares more for its residents that Chicago? Anyhow, they call Eagle Heights the quintessential place for raising a family. Except what to do when half of your family is spending only weekends here? I think we can make this work. Focus on school during weekdays, family weekends. I can already imagine the countless picnics, bbqs, and outdoor excursions we'll have as a family.
Did I mention that Saya is extremely family-oriented? She's quite an artist now, with her nteenth number of drawing journals. About 90% of her drawings are of "family", with mommy, daddy, and Saya. (For some unknown reason mommy is always drawn bigger than daddy. @_@). Her drawings are becoming more detail-oriented. Yesterday, she drew ice cream, blue hight heels with pink flowers, and a bunch of other random stuff I can't remember (gosh I need to start posting pics like my friend Rosa). Her two favorite character themes are My Little Pet Shop and My Little Pony. She goes berserk for LPS stuff! Her collection has grown pretty big, especially after our trip to Mexico. We found out that LPS toys were $1 cheaper there, so we grabbed as many different characters as we can for Saya. Those were our only souvenirs from Mexico. ^_^ She still hasn't opened all of them (about 10 altogether). As with most of Sayas birthday and christmas presents, she only gets to open a toy when she's good. I think that this practice gives her a better appreciation of things. There is this saying that "some things in life are worth waiting for" and I think that most things are more valuable to you just because you had to wait for it! This is especially true for kids, who doesn't have a defined sense of what is valuable and what is not. (I mean, my nephew has a Mustang hot wheels for Pete's sake and probably doesn't even remember having one since his dad moved it to the garage). I see the joy in Sayas face when I let her open a new toy after begging and pleading and being "good" for it. If I could just milk that joy from her christmas and birthday presents, why not right?
Anyhow, while we waiting for the bus stop today, Saya managed to entertain herself with her LPS toys and a bunch of leaves and fruits she found during our walk. She put together a delicious meal (ok, I need to get my shit together and posts these pics) of berries on a bed of leaves for her pig and some other pet. Although Saya can get glued to Youtube at times, there are moments throughout the day when she becomes really imaginative. For example, two days ago, I let her use a box for our floor lamps to make a mini diorama for her LPS toys. She's probably over that box now, but man was she ecstatic to receive a new "vessel" for her LPS toys! Also, whenever Saya watches a new video she would line up her LPS toys in front of the screen so that they can "enjoy" the show with her. I also discovered that she has a miniature metal frog that Grandpa (H's dad) bought for her from the "mall" (aka the thrift store). It is so tiny, about 1 cm in width and height. I am amazed at how well she keeps these tiny little things.
I am also amazed at how well Saya emulates her zodiac sign, which is the year of the rat (same as mine). Like a house mouse (because rats creep me out), she likes to collect tiny things, everything from miniature toys to scraps of paper that she cut out. She also eats like a mouse, nibbling on things here and there while never fully completing any meal. Perhaps I should start calling her my little house mouse. hhaha.
Ok, well my joint swelling is now gone thanks to the Tylenol pill I took almost 2 hours ago. I think I can go to sleep now!
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
More than a year later....I'm still in love
Every once in a while I need to remind myself of the x billion projects I've started and never finished...not quite. It's not that I'm negligent, I just have so much going on in my life, and so many things that I'm crazy about that I cannot devote myself to one thing within a reasonable amount of time. Is that so wrong? But I'm happy right?
So every time I'm reminded of this blog, I go back and read my accounts of my precious onigiri, S, like drops of pearl in the ocean. I've forgotten how much S has grown and I can't believe it has been over a year since I last posted in this blog. Actually, a lot of things has happened during the past year. I studied my ass off for the MCAT, applied to medical school, organized 2 fundraisers, went on a Catholic camping excursion, and traversed 3 different countries (abroad) for a mission trip. Oh and I got into medical school, 4 of them! I must say 2012 was a pretty productive year for me. I still haven't decided which school to attend yet since I'm still waiting for campus assignment for one and another one is way too good to pass up yet (ugg....hard decisions!). I am so glad that I finally get a breather for once. I'm definitely going to make the most out of the time I have left before I start school. And that means, going on a real vacation, trying to complete all the craft projects that I wanted to do, and of course, spending a ridiculous amount of quality time with S.
S is such an amazing child now. And I really mean it. She has transformed into such a darling little girl. Despite her occasional bitch fits and the morning drudgery of getting her ready for school, she is so helpful, so obedient, caring, and dependable. This morning, Daddy and S forgot her bookbag at home, so Daddy decided to entrust S with bringing her bookbag to school from now on. S just turned 5 recently. We made it a big deal in the house.
"Dear S, you are 5 now. You are going to have more responsibilities. Like remembering to do your own homework."
Except, we don't really have to remind her. S loves to read. It doesn't matter how late it is, she still makes us read to her before nightime.
"Mrs. K said you have to read to me every night Mommy!"
We also told S she should try to wean herself from nighttime diapers now that she's older. On some nights, she insists on not wearing diapers and promises to go to the bathroom or hold her pee in when she needs to go. Despite all of our efforts, she still gets accidents and then she goes back to the diapers. I know it's bad that she still pees in her bed, but I don't want to shame her into getting better. It is her age-appropriate obstacle and I want her to be able to overcome it with her own willpower, which she has tons of.
Speaking of willpower, S has shown a lot of interest in writing/reading lately. For the past nights, she has been sitting quietly on her futon (yes we got her to sleep on her own bed! woohoo!) and writing in her "journal" while listening to our eclectic collection of music. With our internet out of service and Saya fallen fast asleep, H and I spent some time going through her journal (with her permission of course). Ah, the experience was priceless. Saya has several sketches of humans and animals with various (and pretty successful) attempts at spelling out words. On one page, she has a framed sketch of a dolphin on a see with the sun shining in the sky and the letters "DLFIN" written across the top of the page. On another page, she spells out HPY BRTAY. On several pages, she writes our full names....mispelling it at times. H mentioned that S has asked him for my "second" name.
"What? You mean, Mommy's last name?" ,H replied to S.
"yea, that one" ,Said S. Then she proceeds to spell out my name on her own.
*sigh* S just makes my heart melt. She has inspired me on so many levels. S has gotten me into a baking frenzy lately. It started December 2011, when she stumbled upon several cake pop tutorials while browsing Youtube (who'd knew a 3 year old could be so proficient?). She nagged me for months...."Mommy, can you please make cake pops?" I was busy studying for the MCAT, but immediately went out and bought the supplies the day after I took the exam. That weekend, with the help of my friend, I made cake pops with S. I think she must have gotten her tenacity from me because like me, she REFUSED to eat while she coated her cake pops with candy melt and decorated them with sprinkles and other toppings. That day, I discovered that S and I could bond through baking.
I had baked before, with horrible success. I tried to make a german chocolate cake from store mix and store frosting. I didn't know that you were supposed to level a cake by cutting out the domed top, so my german chocolate cake was a big disaster. It drooped everywhere. It was so overly sweet and just all around dry. From that day on I vowed that I would never go into baking again. But I bought a bunch of cake mixes for S's cake pops. As the saying goes, one thing led to another. One day, I decided to use up all the cake mixes and store frosting that I had. I made cupcakes for a party. It was so EASY and Saya loves to help. Her favorite part is cracking the eggs and mixing the batter. The cupcakes was a huge hit, even though I thought it was still too sweet. That same day, my friend had enlisted me to help him bake a cake for his girlfriend (since most bakeries were closed that Christmas weekend). With little experience and minimal tools, our team improvised. The birthday girl was very happy with her cake. Everyone raved about how moist the cake was. I told one of my girlfriend about my previous baking fiasco. "You should give it a shot, V. I think you're going to do amazing things."
Well, I have definitely been taking her advice and since then, I've experimented with all sorts of baking techniques. Meringues, chocolate mousses, chocolate ganache, different frosting, cream cheese frosting, and so much more to be discovered. I never realized that my baking was more well received than my cooking was. Now I know the true meaning of the "icing on the cake!" Because of S, I have found a new love. It has been a crazy ride. I hope that she will continue to inspire me throughout the rest of my life......
Eh, so much for that off-tangent topic.
So every time I'm reminded of this blog, I go back and read my accounts of my precious onigiri, S, like drops of pearl in the ocean. I've forgotten how much S has grown and I can't believe it has been over a year since I last posted in this blog. Actually, a lot of things has happened during the past year. I studied my ass off for the MCAT, applied to medical school, organized 2 fundraisers, went on a Catholic camping excursion, and traversed 3 different countries (abroad) for a mission trip. Oh and I got into medical school, 4 of them! I must say 2012 was a pretty productive year for me. I still haven't decided which school to attend yet since I'm still waiting for campus assignment for one and another one is way too good to pass up yet (ugg....hard decisions!). I am so glad that I finally get a breather for once. I'm definitely going to make the most out of the time I have left before I start school. And that means, going on a real vacation, trying to complete all the craft projects that I wanted to do, and of course, spending a ridiculous amount of quality time with S.
S is such an amazing child now. And I really mean it. She has transformed into such a darling little girl. Despite her occasional bitch fits and the morning drudgery of getting her ready for school, she is so helpful, so obedient, caring, and dependable. This morning, Daddy and S forgot her bookbag at home, so Daddy decided to entrust S with bringing her bookbag to school from now on. S just turned 5 recently. We made it a big deal in the house.
"Dear S, you are 5 now. You are going to have more responsibilities. Like remembering to do your own homework."
Except, we don't really have to remind her. S loves to read. It doesn't matter how late it is, she still makes us read to her before nightime.
"Mrs. K said you have to read to me every night Mommy!"
We also told S she should try to wean herself from nighttime diapers now that she's older. On some nights, she insists on not wearing diapers and promises to go to the bathroom or hold her pee in when she needs to go. Despite all of our efforts, she still gets accidents and then she goes back to the diapers. I know it's bad that she still pees in her bed, but I don't want to shame her into getting better. It is her age-appropriate obstacle and I want her to be able to overcome it with her own willpower, which she has tons of.
Speaking of willpower, S has shown a lot of interest in writing/reading lately. For the past nights, she has been sitting quietly on her futon (yes we got her to sleep on her own bed! woohoo!) and writing in her "journal" while listening to our eclectic collection of music. With our internet out of service and Saya fallen fast asleep, H and I spent some time going through her journal (with her permission of course). Ah, the experience was priceless. Saya has several sketches of humans and animals with various (and pretty successful) attempts at spelling out words. On one page, she has a framed sketch of a dolphin on a see with the sun shining in the sky and the letters "DLFIN" written across the top of the page. On another page, she spells out HPY BRTAY. On several pages, she writes our full names....mispelling it at times. H mentioned that S has asked him for my "second" name.
"What? You mean, Mommy's last name?" ,H replied to S.
"yea, that one" ,Said S. Then she proceeds to spell out my name on her own.
*sigh* S just makes my heart melt. She has inspired me on so many levels. S has gotten me into a baking frenzy lately. It started December 2011, when she stumbled upon several cake pop tutorials while browsing Youtube (who'd knew a 3 year old could be so proficient?). She nagged me for months...."Mommy, can you please make cake pops?" I was busy studying for the MCAT, but immediately went out and bought the supplies the day after I took the exam. That weekend, with the help of my friend, I made cake pops with S. I think she must have gotten her tenacity from me because like me, she REFUSED to eat while she coated her cake pops with candy melt and decorated them with sprinkles and other toppings. That day, I discovered that S and I could bond through baking.
I had baked before, with horrible success. I tried to make a german chocolate cake from store mix and store frosting. I didn't know that you were supposed to level a cake by cutting out the domed top, so my german chocolate cake was a big disaster. It drooped everywhere. It was so overly sweet and just all around dry. From that day on I vowed that I would never go into baking again. But I bought a bunch of cake mixes for S's cake pops. As the saying goes, one thing led to another. One day, I decided to use up all the cake mixes and store frosting that I had. I made cupcakes for a party. It was so EASY and Saya loves to help. Her favorite part is cracking the eggs and mixing the batter. The cupcakes was a huge hit, even though I thought it was still too sweet. That same day, my friend had enlisted me to help him bake a cake for his girlfriend (since most bakeries were closed that Christmas weekend). With little experience and minimal tools, our team improvised. The birthday girl was very happy with her cake. Everyone raved about how moist the cake was. I told one of my girlfriend about my previous baking fiasco. "You should give it a shot, V. I think you're going to do amazing things."
Well, I have definitely been taking her advice and since then, I've experimented with all sorts of baking techniques. Meringues, chocolate mousses, chocolate ganache, different frosting, cream cheese frosting, and so much more to be discovered. I never realized that my baking was more well received than my cooking was. Now I know the true meaning of the "icing on the cake!" Because of S, I have found a new love. It has been a crazy ride. I hope that she will continue to inspire me throughout the rest of my life......
Eh, so much for that off-tangent topic.
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