Absence makes the heart grow fonder...or stronger

I'm brought to tears. It's been almost a month since I started med school, more than 100 miles away from Saya. In the beginning, I admit I had taken the separation more easily than I thought I would. I had some of the best sleep I've had in years. I still can't imagine how I will ever be able to SURVIVE med school with all the distractions at home. Plus, my love for my new home and the family I've found in my classmates has made this experience so memorable in many ways. But then again, I'm a mother before anything else....

A few days ago, Saya said to H,"Daddy, "Why can't we be a family? It's like something's missing when Mommy's gone." As she places her hand on her chest, she asked "Why does it hurt here?" I think it broke my heart too. Saya, just barely a kindergartener, was able to elicit the feelings she described so accurately in me. We've been video chatting every night, but I know it's not the same as being able to hold her and kiss her ad nauseum in a day. I can only imagine how hard this is for her, but at the same time I want her to learn that that I'm pursuing bigger and better things (as I want her to do). I want her to learn that some that things in life are worth sacrificing .Hang in there baby girl. No matter where I am, I will always be there for you. Now I will go and snuggle with my baby during the precious night I share with her.

Precious summer days with my baby

It's 3:24 am in the morning and I'm at my new apartment in Madison, with Saya, sans le bf. H is currently in Chicago working while Saya is spending the week with me in Madison until classes starts this coming Monday. As excited as I am about starting medical school, I am a tad devastated that I will have to live apart from my baby.

Our New Chapter

It was a really difficult decision to make in the beginning. I never expected to matriculate at the UW medical school, nor considered it as an option in the first place until I realized that Madison was equidistant from Chicago as Urbana. So, with the advice of a fellow coworker, who happens to be a medical student and a former Madison dweller, I added UW to my list of schools later in the application cycle. To my surprise, I was granted an interview, which I almost did not attend had it not been for my nonacceptance decision at Loyola. When I attended the interview, I admit I was floored by the medical school. They had an amazing reputation in research, tons of global health opportunities, possibilities for academic medicine, top of the line technology, plenty of administrative support, and get this, basically one of the cheapest tuition, out-of-state residency included, without all the drawbacks of a public institution *cough* unlike one state medical school I applied to. BTW, that medical school was probably two-thirds more expensive to attend than UW. The drawbacks, however, were that 1) we had to do statewide rotations, 2) M2 year wasn't pass/fail and 3) H's salary is so much better in Chicago that if I did get accepted we'd have to live apart. As I mentioned, it was a really difficult decision to make. My gut told me to go with UW, and when they offered me a scholarship, it was much easier to stomach that decision. I knew that at some point we all had to make sacrifices and it was time for H to step up and let me pursue my dreams.

Precious Moments with My Onigiri

Well, enough about myself, let's get to the main point: my little rice ball. *sigh* She's laying on the floor mattress right next to me, sound asleep. I know it's kind of creepy but I can stare at this little girl sleeping forever. The calm expression on her face just melts my heart. There are moments like these that I wish could last forever. Like when she laid on my arms today while we took the metra bus to downtown, or whenever I feel her warmth as I hold her in my arms. Saya definitely takes after her father's warm body. For some unknown reason by body is always cool/cold. I always joke that I use H for his body, which is 100% true because I leech off of their heat during the wintertime. Of course, H being the offbeat person hat he is, always reply that he can live with that.  Haha...the many beauties of life...Things like these make me curse my mere mortality!

So I'm sitting here, trying to remember all the cool or unusual things that Saya has been doing/saying lately. My new apartment is located in a Eagle Heights, a large community housing for international students, employees and students with children or spouses, and lucky out-of-state students. Saya and I are in love with this place! We have a community center, a community garden, a daycare center, several swings and playgrounds right in our backyard, and plenty of places to ride our bikes. Did I also mention that Eagle Heights is right next to Lake Mendota? In Chicago, this type of real estate has all been swept up by developers and converted to condos that only the wealthy can afford. Why do I feel like the city of Madison cares more for its residents that Chicago? Anyhow, they call Eagle Heights the quintessential place for raising a family. Except what to do when half of your family is spending only weekends here? I think we can make this work. Focus on school during weekdays, family weekends. I can already imagine the countless picnics, bbqs, and outdoor excursions we'll have as a family.

Did I mention that Saya is extremely family-oriented? She's quite an artist now, with her nteenth number of drawing journals. About 90% of her drawings are of "family", with mommy, daddy, and Saya. (For some unknown reason mommy is always drawn bigger than daddy. @_@). Her drawings are becoming more detail-oriented. Yesterday, she drew ice cream, blue hight heels with pink flowers, and a bunch of other random stuff I can't remember  (gosh I need to start posting pics like my friend Rosa). Her two favorite character themes are My Little Pet Shop and My Little Pony. She goes berserk for LPS stuff! Her collection has grown pretty big, especially after our trip to Mexico. We found out that LPS toys were $1 cheaper there, so we grabbed as many different characters as we can for Saya. Those were our only souvenirs from Mexico. ^_^ She still hasn't opened all of them (about 10 altogether). As with most of Sayas birthday and christmas presents, she only gets to open a toy when she's good. I think that this practice gives her a better appreciation of things. There is this saying that "some things in life are worth waiting for" and I think that most things are more valuable to you just because you had to wait for it! This is especially true for kids, who doesn't have a defined sense of what is valuable and what is not. (I mean, my nephew has a Mustang hot wheels for Pete's sake and probably doesn't even remember having one since his dad moved it to the garage). I see the joy in Sayas face when I let her open a new toy after begging and pleading and being "good" for it. If I could just milk that joy from her christmas and birthday presents, why not right?

Anyhow, while we waiting for the bus stop today, Saya managed to entertain herself with her LPS toys and a bunch of leaves and fruits she found during our walk. She put together a delicious meal (ok, I need to get my shit together and posts these pics) of berries on a bed of leaves for her pig and some other pet. Although Saya can get glued to Youtube at times, there are moments throughout the day when she becomes really imaginative. For example, two days ago, I let her use a box for our floor lamps to make a mini diorama for her LPS toys. She's probably over that box now, but man was she ecstatic to receive a new "vessel" for her LPS toys! Also, whenever Saya watches a new video she would line up her LPS toys in front of the screen so that they can "enjoy" the show with her. I also discovered that she has a miniature metal frog that Grandpa (H's dad) bought for her from the "mall" (aka the thrift store). It is so tiny, about 1 cm in width and height. I am amazed at how well she keeps these tiny little things.

I am also amazed at how well Saya emulates her zodiac sign, which is the year of the rat (same as mine). Like a house mouse (because rats creep me out), she likes to collect tiny things, everything from miniature toys to scraps of paper that she cut out. She also eats like a mouse, nibbling on things here and there while never fully completing any meal. Perhaps I should start calling her my little house mouse. hhaha.

Ok, well my joint swelling is now gone thanks to the Tylenol pill I took almost 2 hours ago. I think I can go to sleep now!

More than a year later....I'm still in love

Every once in a while I need to remind myself of the x billion projects I've started and never finished...not quite. It's not that I'm negligent, I just have so much going on in my life, and so many things that I'm crazy about that I cannot devote myself to one thing within a reasonable amount of time. Is that so wrong? But I'm happy right?

So every time I'm reminded of this blog, I go back and read my accounts of my precious onigiri, S, like drops of pearl in the ocean. I've forgotten how much S has grown and I can't believe it has been over a year since I last posted in this blog. Actually, a lot of things has happened during the past year. I studied my ass off for the MCAT, applied to medical school, organized 2 fundraisers, went on a Catholic camping excursion, and traversed 3 different countries (abroad) for a mission trip. Oh and I got into medical school, 4 of them! I must say 2012 was a pretty productive year for me. I still haven't decided which school to attend yet since I'm still waiting for campus assignment for one and another one is way too good to pass up yet (ugg....hard decisions!). I am so glad that I finally get a breather for once. I'm definitely going to make the most out of the time I have left before I start school. And that means, going on a real vacation, trying to complete all the craft projects that I wanted to do, and of course, spending a ridiculous amount of quality time with S.

S is such an amazing child now. And I really mean it. She has transformed into such a darling little girl. Despite her occasional bitch fits and the morning drudgery of getting her ready for school, she is so helpful, so obedient, caring, and dependable. This morning, Daddy and S forgot her bookbag at home, so Daddy decided to entrust S with bringing her bookbag to school from now on. S just turned 5 recently. We made it a big deal in the house.

"Dear S, you are 5 now. You are going to have more responsibilities. Like remembering to do your own homework."

Except, we don't really have to remind her. S loves to read. It doesn't matter how late it is, she still makes us read to her before nightime.

"Mrs. K said you have to read to me every night Mommy!"

We also told S she should try to wean herself from nighttime diapers now that she's older. On some nights, she insists on not wearing diapers and promises to go to the bathroom or hold her pee in when she needs to go. Despite all of our efforts, she still gets accidents and then she goes back to the diapers. I know it's bad that she still pees in her bed, but I don't want to shame her into getting better. It is her age-appropriate obstacle and I want her to be able to overcome it with her own willpower, which she has tons of.

Speaking of willpower, S has shown a lot of interest in writing/reading lately. For the past nights, she has been sitting quietly on her futon (yes we got her to sleep on her own bed! woohoo!) and writing in her "journal" while listening to our eclectic collection of music. With our internet out of service and Saya fallen fast asleep, H and I spent some time going through her journal (with her permission of course). Ah, the experience was priceless. Saya has several sketches of humans and animals with various (and pretty successful) attempts at spelling out words. On one page, she has a framed sketch of a dolphin on a see with the sun shining in the sky and the letters "DLFIN" written across the top of the page. On another page, she spells out HPY BRTAY. On several pages, she writes our full names....mispelling it at times. H mentioned that S has asked him for my "second" name.

"What? You mean, Mommy's last name?" ,H replied to S.

"yea, that one" ,Said S. Then she proceeds to spell out my name on her own.

*sigh* S just makes my heart melt. She has inspired me on so many levels. S has gotten me into a baking frenzy lately. It started December 2011, when she stumbled upon several cake pop tutorials while browsing Youtube (who'd knew a 3 year old could be so proficient?). She nagged me for months...."Mommy, can you please make cake pops?" I was busy studying for the MCAT, but immediately went out and bought the supplies the day after I took the exam. That weekend, with the help of my friend, I made cake pops with S. I think she must have gotten her tenacity from me because like me, she REFUSED to eat while she coated her cake pops with candy melt and decorated them with sprinkles and other toppings. That day, I discovered that S and I could bond through baking.

I had baked before, with horrible success. I tried to make a german chocolate cake from store mix and store frosting. I didn't know that you were supposed to level a cake by cutting out the domed top, so my german chocolate cake was a big disaster. It drooped everywhere. It was so overly sweet and just all around dry. From that day on I vowed that I would never go into baking again. But I bought a bunch of cake mixes for S's cake pops. As the saying goes, one thing led to another. One day, I decided to use up all the cake mixes and store frosting that I had. I made cupcakes for a party. It was so EASY and Saya loves to help. Her favorite part is cracking the eggs and mixing the batter. The cupcakes was a huge hit, even though I thought it was still too sweet. That same day, my friend had enlisted me to help him bake a cake for his girlfriend (since most bakeries were closed that Christmas weekend). With little experience and minimal tools, our team improvised. The birthday girl was very happy with her cake. Everyone raved about how moist the cake was. I told one of my girlfriend about my previous baking fiasco. "You should give it a shot, V. I think you're going to do amazing things."

Well, I have definitely been taking her advice and since then, I've experimented with all sorts of baking techniques. Meringues, chocolate mousses, chocolate ganache, different frosting, cream cheese frosting, and so much more to be discovered.  I never realized that my baking was more well received than my cooking was. Now I know the true meaning of the "icing on the cake!" Because of S, I have found a new love. It has been a crazy ride. I hope that she will continue to inspire me throughout the rest of my life......

Eh, so much for that off-tangent topic.

Saya's Inquisitiveness & Positive Parenting

*sigh* I'm a bit stuck at work right now. H has spent the last 30 minutes trying to drive two blocks to the nearest gas station and pick me up. The funny thing, he's still not at the station yet. So what do I do? I'm pretty exhausted from editing MRI images and programming batch codes all day. I'm just not in the mood to do anything productive, so I figured I'll update this poorly run blog for my lil onigiri.

She's probably asleep right now, nestled snuggly in our bed while H is braving Chicago's project snowstorm and I am comfortably trying not to think about having to go out there. It can't be that bad can it?

Anyhow, I know that I mentioned in the last post that Saya's starting to talk a lot more, up to a point where it makes our brains dizzy. "Mommy? Why does it get cold? Why is it light and dark? Why does it rain? Why does it snow? Why does the moon come out when it's dark? Why is that lady talking? Why? Why? But WHY?....." Although it can be exhausting at times, I have to give this one credit for being so inquisitive about scientific phenomena. I try not to discourage her for asking the questions. Instead of giving her half-assed explanations, I do make an effort to explain the reasoning to her.

"Well Saya. It rains because the water in the ground gets hot and become air. The air goes to the sky, where it becomes clouds. When the clouds have a lot of water in them, they can't hold it in any longer and they let everything out. That's why it rains."

Saya goes,"oooohh..."

Daddy adds,"See Saya. It's just like when you need to pee. You drink a lot of water and when you can't hold it in anymore, you pee in the toilet."

Saya,"OOOhhhhh..."

It just amazes me how a little child like Saya is already asking questions that I never thought of asking in the first place. Even when I was a young kid, I would just assume that the moon was a well-lit balloon that followed me everywhere I went. It never occurred to me to ask the adults what actually happened. So yes, as tiring as it is to come up with explanations for Saya's questioins, I keep on answering until I reach a point where I can't answer her "Whys" anymore. I figured that's a life lesson that we all often forget: that some things just don't have an answer and it's up to us to find those answers.

As much as I love science, I find that I'm not as creative as I want to be in the way that I think about things. I mean, given an idea, I can make things work. But to come up with that idea alone really takes a special kind of skill. Growing up in an asian household with strict parents, I was trained to never question adults. If we were accused of doing something, defending ourself or just the mere act of speaking to our parents would be met with a beating. I'm not saying that my parents were bad parents, but I feel that type of discipline could suppress a child's leadership qualities. I think that my siblings and I would've been really messed up human beings if it weren't for my mom's ability to reason through our actions and consequences, which negated my dad's beatings.

So I carry what I learn from my mom and years of education in psychology to my parenting with Saya. She's young, but already at a stage where she is defiant. Her auntie tells me she that she acts more like a teenager, throwing b*tch fits and getting upset when people talking about her. She's also very empathetic by displaying nurturing attitudes towards her toys and other members in the family. The other day auntie called Saya to ask her what she wanted for dinner. Saya asked her to bring enough food for "mommy and daddy." When anyone asks her who she loves more, she always reply that she loves "both." One day I caught saya rubbing some vaporub on her Hello Kitty stuffed animal. Saya said that Hello Kitty had a tummy ache and the vaporub would make HK feel better (she mistakes vaporub for tiger balm because of the smell).

So that's the update on my baby. Sassy, as always, but now more mature. If she acts like a teenager now, I sure hope that she will act like an adult when she does become a teenager. Such wishful thinking!

She talks too much

So now I've resorted to phone blogging to save those itty bitty precious free time for my baby. The funny thing is she's pretty old now. Saya can speak complete sentences, asks you questions and even argue with you with some common sense. We have a tendency to say that she talks too much, but we all really adore her eloquence, despite it driving us crazy sometimes.

Yesterday morning saya asked hak,; daddy can I ask you a question? How do you "mem" yourself?" In Khmer, "mem" means to nurse. Yes, Saya still nurses. She just can't give it up and I don't think I can either. It is really a wonderful bonding experience. There's nothing quite like caressing your child while she lays snugly in your arms. I feel so calm and content when I'm bfing. I know its the hormones, so it's not just me being crazy. I never thought that I would bf for this long.ther are some moments when I wished saya would give it up already. However when she's loud n energetic n suddenly wants to nurse, its like a sigh of relief for me because I would experience a moment of peace and quiet to myself.

I know that she will get over it and I try to encourage her. But for now, il cherish every bit of it.

But yea there goes my diversion from the topic again. Going back to saya being so talkative, she's quite a character now.just like her daddy, she just doesn't stop talking! Some of her favorite lines are "talk to me" and "what did your say?" She's adding more adjectives and prepositions to her sentences.

Saya is extremely possessive of her parents. Chhay, haks 23 year old nephew, is staying with us for the time. Whenever hak or i around, she always give him a dirty stare n tell him that "that's my mommy."

I have no idea how well sayas speaking skills compare to her peers. We try to correct her english when she's wrong so that school l won't be so hard when she gets older. Is such a shame that they took her off the roster for another child at the local public school. I hope too get her started soon. She's intellectually ready, but I'm not sure if she's emotionally ready. I wish that id get more time to spend with her, but I have to focus on my career. Do this is what being an adult feels like. >.<

Book Project

Starting today I am going to write a book for saya for all her smart alec quotes. Here's some beginners:

#1:

Chhay (older cousin): Hey Saya wanna see my missing tooth? (shows Saya missing tooth).

Saya: You eat too much candy. The dentist had to pull it out. You need to brush your teeth.

#2:

(Saya is sick and Daddy pours her some medicine into a cup. Saya "chugs" the cup and walks away.)

Saya: Oh the medicine's so yummy...I love medicine.

Daddy: Saya, why is there more stuff in here than the medicine I poured in for you? Wait a minute come back here! Saya drink your medicine!

#3:

Saya: Chhay where were you?

Chhay: I went to see my friends get married.

Saya: Well, when I marry my boyfriend you can't come.

#4. (at the mall with Auntie Chara)

Mall salesperson: Is this your mommy?

Saya: No she's not my mommy. She's not my family.

(Auntie Chara buries her face in her hands.)

#5. (Auntie Leah brings Saya to her first day of school. They are walking 2 blocks home and Saya is upset that Ming Leah makes her walk the entire time. )

Saya: Ming Leah you're a jerk. I don't love you anymore.

#6.

Saya: Daddy, you know what mommy said to me?

Hak: Yes?

Saya: She said you're a bitch, Daddy. That's right.

#7 (Vy and Saya is walking through the front gate. Vy proceeds to open the gate but notices that she tried to open the wrong end of the gate.)

Saya: (starts giggling softly) Mommy, you're funny. You went to the wrong side of the gate. Haha you're so funny.

#8.

Saya: Daddy, I have a question for you.

Hak: Yes, Saya what do you want to ask?

Saya: How do you mem (Khmer for "nurse") yourself?

The terrible threes

How sad is this? The last time I updated this blog, Saya was 2 and now she's nearly 4. We started her application for preschool at the local elementary school. I'm praying that they will let her start this August. She is definitely intellectually ready for school and I think that the environment will foster some social skills in her. As of now, Saya is such a bratty little kid. Granted, she's cuter than ever because she talks so damn much, but there are times when she just drives me crazy. I wish that I could continue the rest of this post but damn, I really need to get back to studying. :(